Aren't you tired of waking up to your phone’s alarm clock, only to be sucked into the infinite scroll of political chaos? Aren't you ready for something completely different? And what's the solution? It's to head straight to Baltimore ASAP to invent a brand-new approach to politics.
The sun is rising on a new political moment. And the future of American politics, much like Baltimore, just might surprise you.
By Mike Reid | January 2027
If you're ready to say goodbye to your mediocre (and extremely expensive) life in DC, or New York, or LA, or San Francisco, or Palo Alto, or really anywhere in the USA — to spend even just five hours in Baltimore — your experience in Baltimore is going to be a thrill ride for a variety of reasons.
Obviously, for those coming from DC, Baltimore will be a breath of fresh air, because simply leaving DC will be immediately relieving.
And for those coming from New York, Baltimore is basically like an undiscovered Brooklyn, just waiting for YOU to discover it.
And for those arriving from California, here’s something you might not have considered: there are NO earthquakes on the East Coast...!
And guess what the lack of earthquakes means?
It means you can build buildings with bricks!
And Baltimore is FULL of brick buildings — old ones, weird ones, beautiful ones, crumbling ones. If you're used to California stucco, the sheer number of brick buildings in Baltimore is going to feel like stepping into a parallel reality.
And how exciting could that be, right?
Also, compared to California, the overall vibe in Baltimore is going to feel shockingly historic — because obviously California's history as a part of the United States only really got going in 1848.
But Baltimore?
Baltimore peaked some 212 years ago, in 1814, two years into the War of 1812 (which is something I honestly never learned about growing up in California, but is very important in Baltimore) when the brave Baltimoreans successfully defended Fort McHenry against British attack — the inspiration for The Star-Spangled Banner.
Yes, that's right. On the East Coast (basically a foreign country to Californians) there was this entire Second Revolutionary War called the War of 1812 and apparently the Brits lost again.
But wait, that's not all....!
Because Baltimore also has trains.
And these trains are unlike anything you've seen in California.
Ok, yes, I understand that California will (maybe) finish the first leg of your high-speed rail in 2033ish — but obviously that first leg won't connect the cities of San Francisco and Los Angeles, it will connect Merced and Bakersfield, because obviously when you're in Merced your #1 priority is to get to Bakersfield as soon as humanly possible, and vice versa from Bakersfield to Merced.
But Baltimore is already on the fastest train route in America!!
And speaking of the fastest trains in America, here are just a few of the exciting things you might not know about Baltimore:
Amtrak: How many times each day do you think the Acela runs between DC and Manhattan, with every single train stopping in Baltimore? Once? Twice? Seven times? NO! 12 times a day!! In each direction!! Or, feel free to take the Regional, it's honestly almost as fast. And there are, I kid you not, 21 daily trips (in each direction!) on the Regional from Baltimore to either DC or New York. So that's 33 options from Baltimore to DC or NYC (or Philly...) every day. Plus, you can also take the MARC train to DC. (Also, there are a handful of mysteriously named trains, like the Vermonter, which you can take from Baltimore to places like Vermont, and you can technically also take them to NYC or DC, but don't expect them to arrive on time.)
Baltimore to NYC
Acela: 2 ½ hours
Regional: 2 ¾ hours
Baltimore to DC
Acela: 35 minutes
Regional: 45 minutes
MARC: About 1 hour
Baltimore to Philly
Acela: 1 hour
Regional: 1 ¼ hours
Baltimore to Vermont
Vermonter: 8 hours
Baltimore to West Virginia
Cardinal: 7 ½ hours
Aziz Ansari: Does Aziz Ansari live in Baltimore? No. (Not yet.) But I think Baltimore is exactly the kind of place where Aziz Ansari could move to, reinvent himself, and totally thrive.
Baby's On Fire: A record store and cafe in Baltimore's Mount Vernon neighborhood. New and used vinyl from rock, indie, punk, soul, jazz, and blues artists.
Baltimore Basilica: Did you think basilicas only existed in Europe because there’s one in Baltimore! And what is a basilica? Come to Baltimore and find out!
Brewer’s Art: If Hogwarts were in Baltimore, The Brewers Art would probably have been a place that Dumbledore secretly snuck out to for a quiet drink from time to time.
Clavel: A family run mezcaleria and taqueria in Remington, in the heart of Baltimore.
Charles Theater: Hipster theater specializing in independent and foreign films.
Dutch Courage: Refined gin-focused bar whipping up creative cocktails, plus tapas, sharing plates, and sandwiches.
Edgar Allan Poe House & Museum: Edgar Allan Poe lived here in the 1830s. This small unassuming structure, which was opened as a writer's house museum in 1949, appears to be a typical row home, but it's actually a museum. Wow, right?
Edgar Allan Poe's Grave: Basically what you'd expect.
Fadensonnen: Wine Bar. Outdoor seating. Serves great cocktails.
Guilford Hall Brewery: They brew their own beer on site, and I can 100% guarantee that you've never been to a beer hall like this in California, because the entire building is made of bricks.
La Cuchara: Intimate. Elegant. Basque fare.
Metro Gallery: Bar. Art gallery. Live music venue.
No Land Beyond: Baltimore's first-ever board game bar. Library of 300+ games. Curated craft beer. Plus cocktails.
Royal Blue: Hipster diner. Also serves great cocktails.
W.C. Harlan: Under-the-radar watering hole. Cocktails in a cozy, 1920s-inspired atmosphere.
Walters Art Museum: Art museum with free admission.
So, yes — if your expectations are low, Baltimore will exceed them.